


Darkness Darkness Part Two: Take My Hand

by MouseyMiss



Series: Darkness Darkness [2]
Category: Orphan Black
Genre: Child Abuse, Confinement, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-05-27
Updated: 2014-05-27
Packaged: 2018-01-26 17:40:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,857
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1696823
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MouseyMiss/pseuds/MouseyMiss
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"Yes. Super Sunshine Hits!"</p>
            </blockquote>





	Darkness Darkness Part Two: Take My Hand

They let her out sometimes. Not often but sometimes. Usually for Mass. This morning, she was Out. Out and not In and she would be good. She would be very good and maybe she could stay Out and not In. At least for a while. Sometimes--not usually--she could. She sat with her hands clasped on her lap, fingers twisted together. Head tilted back, she stared up at the ceiling. 

This morning, it took longer before the candle light, and the sunshine coming in through the windows, and the little round lights in the ceiling stopped hurting her eyes. Now they did and she could look around. Maybe if she had something to look at, she could sit still. Because it was hard to sit still. Hard to sit, or stand, or kneel, and not _fidget_. Not run her fingers over everything. The wooden pews. The books. The floor. Her dress. Everything was so hard. Like the little rocks in the driveway. 

A lot of things were soft in the cellar. The dirt floor. Her mattress. The mice fur. 

The walls were hard. Hard like the floor. _Tap tap tap_ went her foot inside her shoe. The stone floor pressed against her foot through her shoe when she tapped, but her feet made no noise. The benches were hard too, the wood warm under her fingers as she slid her hand back and forth, back and forth, back and--Sister Olga grabbed her wrist. Smacked her hand and hissed, "Stop that. Sit still and behave yourself. Little demon."

Helena twisted her fingers back together. Bit down on her tongue. Told it to _stay in her mouth_. To _not stick out_. Even though it wanted to. Because it would be rude to stick her tongue out at Sister Olga. Even though she smiled thinking about it. It was bad and today she was being good. Good good good good good. Today she was Out and not In, Out and not In, Out and not In. And she would stay Out and not In. She would she would she would. 

So she sat when she was supposed to. Stood when she was supposed to. Knelt, prayed--quietly--sang--quietly, because she couldn't sing like everyone else, and her voice hurt the sisters' ears and probably God's too, but He loved her and was her Friend--sometimes, when sge was good--do maybe He did not mind too much--like she was supposed to. Received Holy Communion with the sisters. Ate the Blessed Host, drank the consecrated wine that became, as she ate it, The Lord's Body and Blood. Sister Olga stared at her, watching like the cat watched the mouse hole. Maybe she expected the Sacrament to hurt her. Make her tongue fall out or her throat swell shut like poor Sister Marta's had last winter when she ate peanuts. 

Helena made herself smile. Made herself swallow a laugh as the sister crossed herself and turned away. Father Alexi said she didn't have any devils in her. She'd heard him, ear pressed so hard against the door of her room it hurt. But the nuns--Sister Olga--didn't believe him. They watched her, every time she was Out, and Sister Olga put her back In even when she was only a little bad. One day the sister would be sorry. For bow, Helena ducked her head and smiled again as she walked back to her pew. 

Sister Olga was afraid of her. 

it was not nice, to be happy that she scared the nun. But there were so many things that scared _her_. Hell. The dark. Water. The ruler. That hurt more than it scared but sometimes it scared too. Thunder. Lightening. Hail. The wind that whistled like monsters' sighs through the windows. So many scary things and only one her. Maybe--sometimes--it was nice to be the scary thing, and not the scared.

Maybe Sister Olga was right and she did have devils inside her.

After Mass, Sister Marta took her back to her room. Shut the door. Locked it. But that was alright. She was Out, not In. Humming a hymn under her breath, she skipped across the floor to her bed. Hopped onto it. Reached behind her pillow and grinned. Lucy, her friend, was waiting for her. She brought her hand back out and, ran a finger over the doll's soft curls. 

The head--it had no body--was laying at the bottom of a box of donations kept in the Reverend Mother's office. Helena wasn't to go in there. Not after they caught her drawing on the walls with the Mother's pens. But locks never kept her out of anywhere for very long. And the Reverend Mother's office door opened easily with a twist of her hair pen. It was worth the scolding the Reverend Mother gave her. And it was worth the switching Sister Olga gave her when the sister caught her, because Lucy was already tucked into her pocket and they never knew.

She put Lucy on her pillow. Glanced at the door. It was locked and she couldn't unlock it. Like the cellar. The lock on those doors was on the outside of the door and it was not a hole and a little knob but a long piece of metal that slid into another piece of metal, like a needle into skin, and a long dangly chain.--a _deadbolt_ , the sisters called it. She chewed her lip. Hugged her knees. Rocked back and forth. "Helena," she said for Lucy, "Helena, don't be scared. Look at me and not the door." She looked back at the doll. Smiled. "Thank you, Lucy," she said for herself. "You're welcome, Helena. What does it look like outside today?"

Lucy had no eyes. They were rubbed away. Like poor Saint Lucy, before her martyrdom.

"I will go look." Helena jumped off the bed. Dashed to the window. On her tiptoes, hands clinging to the sill, she pressed her face against the glass. "I think it will rain, Slucy. There are many big grey clouds."

"I hope it does not thunder," she said as Lucy, "I do not like thunder." 

Helena walked back to the bed and sat down. "Do not worry, Lucy. I will protect you. I do not like thunder too." She patted Lucy'd head. "Someone is coming. I will get you out when they are gone." Faint faint footsteps came down the hall. Sometimes, she could hear things before the sisters could. Snatching up Lucy, she stuffed the doll head under her pillow. 

Sister Agnes came in a few minutes later, handed Helena a bowl of soup, a slice of bread and a little glass of milk. She left without saying anything, closing and looking the door behind her. Helena crossed herself. Prayed. She wasn't allowed to eat with the nuns but when their meals were over, so were hers. Snatching up the spoon, she attacked the soup, shoving bite after bite into her mouth, hardly pausing to swallow. 

When she was little, she'd eaten with the nuns--but she couldn't be quiet, or still, so she'd eaten by herself for a long time--and remembered the rules. One of the sisters read from The Bible while the others ate, and the meal ended when she finished the reading. Even if the food wasn't gone. Usually, she finished half her soul before someone came for her food. Today, she finished her soup and half of her bread, before Sister Agnes came back for the dishes. She drank her milk all at once as the sister was coming down the hall. >"Thank you, sister," Helena called to Sister Agnes's back. 

"You're welcome, Helena. Be quiet now. It's time for prayers." Sister Agnes left, shutting and lofting the door after her. 

To the chiming bells, Helena picked up her rosary and knelt by the bed. She prayed quietly, moving her fingers up the row of beads. Over and over, she muttered the words to herself--and to God, Who was always listening. Finished, she waited till the knock came at her door. The sisters were done too. After prayers were usually chores, and when she was Out sometimes she had to help. Sometimes she didn't. Sister Olga didn't let her in the kitchen. She could pull weeds and feed the animals but that was all.

No one came. Helena smiled. No chores today. She jumped back onto the bed. Pulled Lucy out and curled up beside the doll. "This is nice, yes, Lucy. I am Out today." She made the doll nod. "Yes, Helena," she said as Lucy, "You have been a very very good good girl." Grinning, Helena kissed the doll's head. "Thank you, Lucy."

She and Lucy talked until the sun started to set. Sister Agnes brought supper--Helena's hands still shook after the sister left, because she almost didn't get Lucy back under the pillow before thereof opened--and this time she ate all of her stew, and bread, and drank all of her milk before the sister came back. Sister Agnes paused at the door. She smiled. "Helena, you have been very good today. I'm very impressed." The sister held out her hand. "We're going to listen to Reverend Mother's album before bed. If you're quiet, and sit still, you can listen with us." 

Helena's feet thumped on the floor as she sprang off the bed. Super Sunshine Hits! Part of the cellar was underneath The Reverend Mother's room, and she'd heard the album many times through the cellar's ceiling. But tonight she could hear it with the others! That was wonderful! "Thank you, sister." She took the nun's hand and followed her from the room.

Down, down the hall, turn right, then left, thrn right, and one two three four five doors, and the fifth was Reverend Mother's room. She ducked behind Sister Agnes as they went in. Sister Olga frowned when she saw her, but The Reverend Mother smiled. She smiled even more when Helena sat down on the floor by Sister Agnes and didn't move, even when her favorite song, _Sugar Sugar_ came on. She sat still through the whole album. She was quiet through the whole album. Like a good girl.

All one two three four five six seven eight sisters--and The Reverend Mother--said goodnight when the album was finished. Even Sister Olga. "Goodnight," Helena said too, one two three four five six seven eight nine times, and one more, two times to Sister Marta, because she took her back to her room. By herself again, Helena took Lucy out. Very very quietly, she sang the words she could remember--there weren't menu--from _Sugar Sugar_. Lucy was her friend. She would not mind Helena's singing. Even if it hurt her ears. She sang till a knock came at her door. Bedtime. Helena grabbed her rosary. Knelt by her bed and said her prayers. She curled up under the blanket, Lucy clutched in her head. "Goodnight, Lucy," she said and kissed the doll. "Goodnight, Helena," she said for Lucy, "Don't let the bedbugs bite." 


End file.
